My name is Laura and I lost my only sibling, my brother Brian, to suicide in October of 2010. He was only 35.

I’ve been writing letters to him as a way to help me express the grief I’m experiencing and decided to publish this blog in the hopes that it may help other people who have also experienced such a loss.

I do need to say that some of it may be difficult to read. I have chosen not to modify or filter my thoughts in any way that may make them less true for the sake of making others more comfortable. Grieving the suicide loss of someone close to you is not a comfortable process and I wanted to honor that by remaining as truthful as possible. The best way through the grief is just that– through it, not around it. Those feelings need to be dealt with– if not now, they’ll find their way out sooner or later. Very painful things come up and often those around us would like the feelings to go away and just want the “old us” back. The problem with that is that person no longer exists; the very fabric of our being has been irriversibly changed and there are a lot of feelings that go along with learning to survive in our “new normal.”

While some of it may sound alarming please know that I am OK– this is the process that works best for me as I continue to grieve the loss of my only brother. If even one person out there reads my letters and feels just a little less crazy or a little less alone… I’ll have considered this a great success.

I’ve also included links to a few great websites off to the right– I have no affiliation with them but they are wonderful organizations relating to mental health, self-injury support and suicide prevention and awareness. I’d like to extend a special thank you to The Christi Center. They offer free grief support groups here in Austin, Texas. I began attending their Tuesday evening meetings for survivors of suicide a few weeks after Brian’s death and their love, help and support have been absolutely invaluable to me.

Thank you for reading!

18 Responses to “About”

  1. Genevieve Says:

    Thank you for sharing. xo

  2. Thank you, Laura. You show a lot of courage in being so vulnerable. Brian is alive in the words you share.

  3. gatito2 Says:

    I feel like you have gone inside of my mind and saw everything I am thinking and feeling about the writing of our lost loved ones. I also hold nothing back…welll almost nothing. I worry that many things will alarm my family. But the reality of what is left behind in a suicide needs to be put out there in all of is ugliness and honesty. You can’t sugarcoat it because if you do, no one will ever understand the depth of the horribleness of it. And besides, it helps me to get it out. I see it does you too. Thank you for your blog.

  4. Rodd Says:

    Thanks for sharing

  5. Kamara Says:

    Thank you !

  6. Delana Wherland Says:

    I’ll follow you 😊

  7. Kristine Says:

    I just came across your website, this evening. I lost my brother to suicide 7 months ago. He was also my only sibling. It is still early in the healing process for my folks and I. Your site brought me comfort knowing you understand.
    Boston, MA

    • lhabedank Says:

      Hi Kristine, I’m so sorry for your loss. 7 months is not long at all and I can imagine all the pain you are still feeling– it was so raw for me at that stage, too. I’m glad you found come comfort in the blog, thank you for reading.


  8. MistyHenderson Says:

    It has been 24 days since my only sister took her life. She was 12 years younger than me, only 28. I feel
    Like the world should have stopped turning but it didn’t. Time is moving in huge leaps and in minuscule increments at the same time. It seems like a long time has passed and like it was just yesterday at the same time. Part of me cannot believe it is true yet. I don’t know how to cope with the pain. I have a family and yet loosing her makes me feel like I’m alone now.

    • lhabedank Says:

      Oh Misty, I’m so terribly sorry. I know exactly what you mean about feeling like the world should have stopped turning… I clearly remember walking around one afternoon about a month after Brian died and it was beautiful and sunny out and every person I passed on the street was bouncing around and smiling seemingly without a care and it hurt so much– I wanted the world to stop and wait for me to feel like joining them again.

      I also know what you mean about feeling alone. I also felt so alone though I have family and the support of a group of friends… but it’s hard because this is a tragedy that a lot of people aren’t comfortable talking about so it often feels as though you have to grieve in private and on your own. I’m here anytime you want to talk, Misty.

      I’m sending you a personal message so you have my email address if you ever want someone to talk to who understands! Thinking of you and your family. Love, Laura

    • Kristine Says:

      Misty – I am so sorry for your loss – I am unsure if you saw my post above, but I also lost my only sibling 7 months ago – I agree, I will never get over this – I may be able to accept it better in time, but life will never be the same – I carry him with me everywhere I go – I see stores, cars, songs, etc that remind me of him, each time I travel alone – Like he is my co-pilot. We are going through the same feelings, it is normal to feel this way. We will continue to go through waves of emotions. I will feel better once we get through the “Firsts” of everything – Then I will have a better handle of how things will feel each year going forward. My brother was a wonderful person, life just got a bit too much for him. A real loss to all of us. I will keep you in my thoughts.

  9. Misty Says:

    It’s been 6 weeks. I finally saw a grief counselor. Just the fact that she said I’m not crazy to feel what I feel helped me a little. I couldn’t get dressed today. I cried 4 or 5 times.

    I am so grateful that you have had the courage to write this blog.

    • lhabedank Says:

      Misty, I’m so glad you saw a grief counselor. And you are absolutely NOT crazy. The feelings we have after our sibling takes their own life are so upsetting and confusing and our emotions are all over the map. Just allow yourself to feel all of it… you deserve to take care of yourself now. I’m glad you’re here and that you found the blog! <3 :)

      • MIsty Says:

        Why does it feel like other people think I should be “over this thing” and ready to “get back on the horse”? I have heard so many well- meaning friends and family tell me that I will get over it. NO!! I will NEVER GET OVER IT! I know one day I will be able to cope with it, and deal with it, but it is a part of me and I will NEVER “get over” this loss.

  10. lhabedank Says:

    You know, that was one of the most frustrating things I heard– that I should “move on” and “stop torturing myself” and “you know, Brian wouldn’t want you to be sad.” Seriously? I know that. But the thing is… he killed himself and he doesn’t have a choice in deciding whether or not I get to be sad now because I AM. You know? The “Brian wouldn’t want you to be so sad” comment was one of the worst for me and continues to be– because I just AM. And you’re right— we don’t ever get “over” it… we just learn to live with the pain. <3 <3 <3

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